They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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