This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
