im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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