That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
