That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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