just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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