Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You may now shotgun with the bride
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
