I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
