i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
