When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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