I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
