got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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