I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
