I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
