Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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