Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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