Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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