its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
