So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
