Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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