my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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