sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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