In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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