We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
