Just cropdusted the office
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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