I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
