My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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