I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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