did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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