I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
