genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
