Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
