You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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