mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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