Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
