So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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