careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
smell my finger.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
