I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
