I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
