I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
