why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
