Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
