Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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