lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
