I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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