You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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