there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
