I wanna passion pit in your ass
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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