I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
