Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
